Dust It Off

Yes - I have been awful recently with updating my blog and I apologize. There's been a lot going on and I'm finally trying to get back on track. As I sit here and write this today, I'm certainly not in the best of moods. I'm down in the dumps and I hate feeling like this. I like to be happy and outgoing, I like to smile and I like to make other people smile.

I'm no stranger to losses, that's for sure. For those of you that don't know me well - my biggest loss occurred when my mother passed away unexpectedly when I was just 10 years old. My whole life has constantly been a struggle with adapting to growing up without a mother, relying on other family members but mainly myself through difficult times and wishing on every special occasion that my mom was here to share it with. Lately I feel like I've been wishing she was here more so in times of sadness - here to give me advice, to console me and to make me smile again.

Through the past year or so, I've experienced other types of losses that have left me feeling alone and questioning who I am, sometimes even asking myself "what's wrong with me?". I'm currently going through another loss that is leaving me feeling speechless, numb, dumbfounded, sad, alone and disappointed. I find that I continue to put myself out there, showing my emotions and feelings and therefore becoming very vulnerable and in turn, I end up getting walked on and hurt. It's hard for me to play the games of going back and forth - I like to be me and be real. I'm getting sick and tired of exposing myself for others to see to only hurt me in the end. I have so much inside and so much to give. I keep feeling like I'm being put through some test to see how much I can take...I'm just getting sick and tired of it.

When we get pushed down, how long does it really take to dust it off and get back up again? How long does it take until we can feel like ourselves again? How long will we feel hidden with walls up before we can let them back down for someone else to see the real us? These are all questions I constantly seek answers to. Until then, all I can try to do right now is to continue on this bumpy road we call life and hope there are no more bumps ahead. I'm holding on and driving.